Browser Toolbars

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Seems like everyone software company and their ill-begotten, half-breed sister has a toolbar they want you to install on your computer.  Most of these things are evil and do nothing to really help you!  In fact, 90% of them simply track your web browsing happiness and report back on your habits.  That way targeted ads and even more spyware can be dumped on your screen.  I mean, you have a gorgeous 22″ screen, why use it all for browsing right?  Fill up at _least_ one third with pixel-wasting toolbars and never click on them.  Maybe they make you look/feel important that you were special enough and were chosen to have a toolbar from <insert major website name of choice>?

Well, since everyone else is in on this, and it must be making someone some money.  I thought I’d design one myself!  Heck, I want to make you feel important while corrupting your browsing experience too!  I don’t want to be left out of this obviously fun game!  So here are the features you will see.  Keep in mind that this ‘customer web browsing enhancement tool’ is in beta stage of development so not all features will be listed or complete.

Introducing the TUBMH(Totally Useless But Must Have)  Jaded Tech Toolbar!!!

Toolbar Size:  Since the more toolbars you have, the more important you feel, I decided to do you one better.  I’ve gone with the ‘bigger is better’ style!  Yes, my toolbar is a full 4 Inches tall!  That’s right!  With a toolbar of this size, you cannot help but feel important that your ‘browsing experience’ will be enhanced tremendously!

Browsing Enhancements:   You will note that there are a number of drop-down menus where you can make changes to the options.

Browsing Speed:  Options – 50%
– you will only ever see 50% here.  I figure that if your browser is slower than normal, then you will feel that you are actually getting something with this tool bar!  What good is a toolbar is it doesn’t affect your browser speed?

Ad Pop-Ups:  Options – 5/10/20
– Since you were too cheap to donate to my cause, I give you the options of how many ads you will see on your screen at any given moment.  My sponsors don’t pay so well either so I had to start with a minimum of 5!  Don’t worry, your friends will be impressed at the quality of ads as well as the remarkable companies that are represented!
**  Breaking News!!!  YouPorn has just signed up!  They are a great paying client!  So as long as our contract with them lasts longer than 6 months, I may drop down the minimum number of ads to 4!  Woo-Hoo!  What a great addition for your browsing experience too!

Spyware:  Options – “yes”
– Being the ever-incredible marketer that I am, I decided why hide anything?  Spyware obviously works and makes money, so I decided to add some in and tie it into my whole income-generating machine.  Don’t worry, you’ll never loose the spyware as I’ve made arrangements with Spybot & AdAware to ignore my toolbar.  This cost me quite a bit but the income generated from the ads you’ll be forced to click on will more than cover it!  Can’t deprive you of ‘customer browsing enhancement experience’ now can I?

Invite Friends:  Options – “every web page”
– Now, knowing that ‘word of mouth’ has always been the best form of advertising, I’ve built that into this toolbar to help spread the word!  With this single option, you will be forced to enter in an email address of a friend to send the TUBMH Jaded Tech Toolbar to for every page you visit!  By doing so, I will be using your incredibly glowing email to your friend (don’t worry, I’ll have it all pre-defined so all  you’ll have to do is click send!).  Thank you for you for your support!

Sponsor Redirect: Options – “yes”
– Having been around the Internet (and before), I’ve seen it all!  I know where all the good sites are and know which are the bad ones.  I’ve contacted all the good ones, made arrangements with them to generate more traffic to their sites and in turn I’ll get paid for it!  Talk about a win-win situation!  So with this option set, whenever you type in an address, you will be redirected to a different site that offers similar content but at a much higher-quality!  Don’t worry, I know what’s best for your browsing experience!  The TUBMH Jaded Tech Toolbar is designed to give  you nothing but the best!

Home Page Rotation:  Options – “yes”
– Seeing as you are too cheap to help out poor software writers in India, I’ve had to take extra steps to ensure the cost of the TUMBH Jaded Tech Toolbar is covered.  This means I have setup agreements with certain websites that will rotate as your homepage everytime you open the browser.   Warning!!!  Not Suitable to Children under 18(or whatever the legal age for porn is in your country!).

UPDATE!!!
It seems that some people were complaining that the TUMBH Jaded Tech Toolbar was just _too_ big for those who owned a 19″ monitor.  To accommodate my adoring fans, I have implemented a ‘variable size’ that is automatically adjusted based-on the size of your monitor.  The ratio is 1″ of TUMBH Jaded Tech Toolbar for ever 4″ of Monitor Size.  That way everyone is treated fairly!  Thank you for your constructive feedback!  Keep it up!

Stay Tuned for more awesome products from The Jaded Tech!

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